I saw how much my mother troubled herself to make me feel better about my critically ill love life. She brought me out, fed me surprisingly well everytime she had the chance to, took me away on a trip for awhile, yet nothing could make me smile as wide as compared to when Hamka and I were on good terms. She spoke about him more than I did, asked me how well he was coping with our never-ending issues and all else a mother would normally ask about her favourite boy. She dotes on him like he's one of her own, most times I feel like she's taking his side. Probably because she thinks I am the problem, knowing how hard-headed I can be, how tough to handle I may get, how spoilt I am. I wont blame my mother for doing so. She is right. Nobody can be as patient, as kind and loving, as supportive and encouraging as this fella right here. She spoke to dad about him, and dad... he salutes Hamka for being a righteous man who never left me unguarded although we were on the rocks. My family never gave up on our messed up story, then there's me - tired of the arguments, baffled and distraught over what seems bleak.
I thought the situation in my household was already pitiful. He got it worst. A streak of sleepless nights, having to juggle mama's condition I never knew about, requests from the younger brother, floorball and work. Yet, he puts our relationship on top of the priorities' list. "Life is not good without you. I dont want to have anymore arguments between us. I'm begging you. Please. I just cant take it seeing us like that. I'm sorry. We are meant to be happy." His plate was full, like as if I dont already know. But he never stopped calling and texting though I never returned a single text nor answered one phone call, just to check on me, whether I'm well and running. His mama had his back while I lost my grip, doing the things I was supposed to do as his better half. One reason to why I wont give her son up is if there was anybody I'd wanna see take her role one day to look after Hamka for the rest of his life, that'd be me, for I know of nobody else who can do just as well as mama in making her hero happy in his darkest hours. I dont know of anybody who can take her role, probably nobody can do it better than mama. But there must be something that keeps him close to me.
I do not have the mountains and skies to promise, but I owe everybody an apology. Especially to Hamka, for being too blind and ignorant to see what's charging at me and causing this relationship its first downfall in seven months.
Baby, I'm very sorry for putting you into such a state. I never meant to make you worry about my safety and well-being around someone who's secretly trying to take your place. I know better now, I understand better now. That not everybody wants to be nice without asking for anything in return. That not everybody's sincere with their compliments, without having the intention of making me crave for their presence. That not everybody's kind with no clear motive. That, "He is not for you.". That not everybody's honest about their thoughts. That not everybody is contented with our happiness. That not everybody likes the idea of us being together. And although that, I'll always have your back, for your dignity and my own lies in our actions. I hope to run this entire journey with you, while I let you grow and you watch me expand my wings. One big test down, many more to overcome! Together, never without each other, ever, again.
Also, thank you, for the many things you've done and never gave up doing to keep your spoilt brat happy. Nobody does it better than you, Hamka. In this life and insyaallah, when we take our steps further, I'll always love you.
