#roadtoSEAGames2015

Hey love.

You've come a long way, havent you? From trainings to trials and finally here, today - now.

I know you're drained out, from all the weekly trainings. I understand how irregular your sleeping patterns are these past few weeks, your body's too tired to even rest peacefully. I realised how rapidly your body's slowly changing up, you're growing. I noticed all the bruises and injuries you've been getting, its not fun having to hear you complain about the pain.

On a general scale, your teammates are suffering too. I doubt they are having the time of their lives, alternating squats and suicide runs every time comes physical training. Trust me, they'd rather be out on Friday nights elsewhere, than attending court training. Obviously this is a huge deal to them because they put aside all else, and devote their precious hours coming all the way to Hougang and get whipped into shape.

When I say 'they', I mean you too. All the sacrifices might not come clear to your senses so soon, but it will all pay off. When? When you've reserved yourself a spot in the squad, maybe? How? By diligently attending trainings and work on your skills, maybe? Why? You tell me.

I may not always be there throughout your games and training sessions, that's why I wrote this - its timeless. Anytime you needed me to nag without having to listen to my voice, this will motivate you. I know it gets draggy, having to put up with my endless speeches about how much you should perservere and stuff.

Cause at the end of the day, its all you. You're the playmaker. You get to decide your next move, while all I'm here for is to make sure you never give up without a fight. You do what's best for you and not for anybody else.

We have big plans together, do we? There's no way I'm paying for the GT-R all by myself. So you better whack balls, baby. 😘

Hamena Ipan {Hamka Irfan's alter ego}

Its funny how one person can take up so much space in your heart, consuming even the littlest corners of it. Its not like there's much room, but this one soul just fits. He is a single atom but how full he makes me feel is as if he is a whole compound.

He, alone, without the humour and lame pick-up lines, is uplifting. He, himself, minus the fancy suits and polished shoes, is charming. He, on his own, no epic proposals on one knee necessary, is hopelessly romantic.

I love you for the brave soldier you are, and all else that you were too afraid to be. And if you needed me, I'll always be here.

I love you for the passionate athlete you are, and all else that you aspire to be. And if you needed me, I'll never be too far away.

I love you for you, champion.
For real.
Fact.

"On your own please this time."

To be told to stand on your own two feet is a lesson of independence. Truth be told, you dont go about living your life empty-handed, heart unguarded. But as you go along, you'll realise that you need strength and love to rebuild.

Strength (n).
1 - The quality or state of being physically strong. | synonyms: power, brawn, muscle etc
2 - The capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure. | synonyms: solidity, durability, stability etc

Its a fair trade - to obtain great STRENGTH, one must taste pain. If it hurts, it matters. You're only human. Should you cry, lock yourself away and bawl your eyes out. When your tears are dry, you'll toughen up. Trust me, weaklings call it Ego, but that's self-worth and pride, cementing into a wall all around your heart. Dont mistake that for being ruthless, because that sky-high wall comes with a door called LOVE.

Love (n).
1 - A strong feeling of affection. | synonyms: fondness, tenderness, intimacy etc
2 - A great interest and pleasure in something. | synonyms: liking, partiality, inclination etc

(v).
- Feel deep affection or sexual love for someone. | synonyms: be in love with, be smitten with, be passionate about etc

Love, is many splendid things. Love is love only when it lets you be the best version of you. It is what it is - it'll never force nor pressure, instead, it compromises and accepts willingly. It helps, it cures and it works all the freaking time. Love over hatred, whenever, forever. To love is to be able to feel vulnerable right before your partner, and be assured that he/she will help fix your broken pieces, put them back together. To love is to believe that one day you'll both unite and build something beautiful together, hopefully, eternally. To love is to be each other's back bone, help one another establish an empire.To love is to hold tight so even when you break, you dont crumble. To love is to let actions take its course, not relying on solely wordly promises. To love is to work on it, like its a paid-to-do job.

So lets say, God sent you somebody. He's genuinely nice, responsible, passionate about the things he do best, driven and motivated, able to make you laugh till you feel the stitches, cares about the people around him, humble, always finds room for improvement, keeps chasing you and loves to keep you involved in his life, dreams of making you happy and actually works on it, wants to see you grow up into a beautiful lady...

What would you do?

I'm not lonely. I have everything I need, thank the Lord - I've got a beautiful family that always has my back, close friends I can always count on and a job that I can slavely commit to just because I love doing what I do.

But this one, he's special. He is such a positive addition into my life, and I can never explain how elated he makes me. Every passing day, I can feel my heart growing, as though its filled. One thing I've lost throughout my past is faith - but he restored them in me. Not to mention that he's annoying too, in all the funniest ways.

I just hope that having me around has left an impact on him as much at it did for me, though I didnt do much. I pray such happiness will prolong as long as God permits it, because it really feels like home here.

"If you ever need motivation, I'll never run out of words to pick you up. If you feel least loved, I can give you some."

Didnt I mention Love is that door on the wall? Yup. I was talking about a door all the while. So, Hamka Irfan, this piece, yet again, is not about you. HAHAHAHA 😂

Crush.

Crush (n).
- a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially one who is unattainable. | synonyms: infatuation, obsession, love, passion etc.

There, you see. You dont need no fancy explanation to it, this isnt rocket science. But its so complex, sometimes you cant figure your own heart out. You feel what you feel, express what you wanna, but its not always easy - especially when you cant quite guess if its mutual down the other end.

"Crushes crush you."

Bahiyyah tweeted that some time ago. I couldnt agree more - I mean, I saw so many of my friends being chucked aside, put in the 'friendzone', left and forgotten by the people they have set their eyes on.

Amazingly, this one didnt. He speaks with full-on respect although he's intending a rude joke. His sense of humour keeps me coming back. He lets me get involved in his daily plans, even if its just buying a pair of socks before his floorball game or how his next haircut should be. I feel as though my opinion is needed - be it relevant or not.

I am happy, even grateful, to be able to have experienced how annoying yet charming one could possibly be.

May he always have the patience to wait for me to arrive during dates, I pray that all his dreams come true and career plans fall into place so that he can travel the world one day, like he has always fantasized of doing. Only one thing can fail that big dream; HE HAS TO BRING ME ALONG.

Juzzzz keedinggggg, lulz.

I am very much blessed too for this dreamcatcher who's been so dear to me. May God keep us close, always.

Ew.
Cheeky.
Bleahhh.

HAMKA IRFAN, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, IT ISNT ABOUT YOU. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO PLAY FLOORBALL TOO, YA SEE. PFFT.

What is Love?

A mother's love is,
When you were crying on your way out of her womb, she was smiling in pain.
When you scraped your knee after you fell off your tricycle, she cleans the cut and gets is plastered.
When you graduated, she sat throughout your convocation, even when you were the last graduand to receive your scroll.

A father's love is,
When you were born, he was the first man to see and touch your bare skin.
When you grew older, he removed your balancing wheels and taught you how to ride a bicycle.
When you got your license, he bought you a second-hand car from the workshop.

A brother's love is,
When he heard mummy was pregnant with you, he stopped asking her to play hide-and-seek with him, because he knew she'd be worn out.
When mummy's tummy grew bigger, he started sleeping in his own bed, because he knew her big tummy needed more space.
When you were born, he learnt to eat on his own during dinner, because he knew mummy had to feed you.

A sister's love is,
When you cant decide what to wear for prom, she'll help you figure.
When you liked the boy who smiled at you down the hallway, she got you his twitter username.
When that same idiot broke your heart, she fills that guy's locker with hate notes.

Love is, when you realise that your life revolves around this one person. You're not entirely obsessed, you're just happier and fuller with their attention. You'll catch yourself saying the things they'd normally say, you'll start picking up after their favourite phrases and sentences. You know its love when you shop for them, instead of yourself. You know its love when you're constantly wanting to see them, or just hearing their voice will make your day. You know its love when they're in your future travel plans. You know its love when your mornings and nights are greeted by their texts or sweet kisses from the other side of the bed. You know its love when you know how she likes her coffee or how he prefers his steak to be done. You know its love when she trusts you to hold her hand during a rollercoaster ride. You know its love when he skips having beer with friends on friday night because you needed him to help paint your room. You know its love when you both constantly work on it, and never leave just cause things got a little rough.

Love is all that, and more. And that one person is the definition of it all.

Obviously, you jolly well know you're in love, when you read all of that and someone came across your mind.

Unexpected.

UNEXPECTED.//

"May God ease, may God heal."

God, always had a way to surprise me.

Back track to 2011, I lost my childhood friend. We simply grew up together. But it seemed that God loved him so much, he was called back to be with the Lord in his sleep. Some nights before, we were having a casual talk after our routine jog along the canal. As midnight slipped in, the conversation got heavier and deeper. The few words he said hit me like a spear,

"Sampai bila kau nak harapkan aku je, Nis? Learn to be on your own. Ni baru aku gi KL tiga hari, belum masuk kubur lagi. Takkan nanti homework kau, kau expect aku ajar kau kat sebelah? Abeh training? Kalau takde partner, kau nak masuk kubur train dengan aku? Mana boleh. If not now, then, once I'm gone, you'll never be alright on your own."

Perhaps, he really meant he wanted me to be independent. He somewhat saw his last day coming. His phone call the night before departure already shook me. He was multitasking between packing his luggage and talking over the phone with the whole squad. The conference call that lasted close to 45 mins was so precious, coming to think about it again. None of the 7 of us could send him off for his 5 a.m drive off, so that phone call was the final call before departure. Fate just had to turn the table over, the car his father was driving collided with the road divider. I was the first person his sister called when he met with an accident along the highway to KL.

Upon arrival at the hospital, he was still unconcious. He slowly showed signs of recovery after 18 hours. When he was fully awake and able to speak, he called me from the hospital bed. All he asked about was how was class that day, how heats training went, how good was my timing, and of course, whether I did my homework or did I copy from the smart foreign student at the back of the class. Before we hung up, he told me to send his regards to the rest of our friends. So I said I'll convey his regards to them the following day in school.

Guess what? He passed away in his sleep the night before, after that phone call. I dont know how, or what went wrong, he just passed, in his sleep. The news was whispered into my ear during assembly, my form teacher couldnt bear to break the news to the whole school.

Because, oh my, Solehin, was a dear student and fellow team player to us all. He was an outstanding student who unluckily happened to be my bestfriend, whom I excessively bullied to do my homework and help me queue up for my food. He did it willingly any ways, because he said, "Kawan punya pasal lah eh, kalau tak, boleh jalan lah dengan kau."

I sat in my spot, at a lost of words. What came out of me were just tears, I couldnt react much. I mean, can you? Your best buddy who helped wash your face when all the other boys kicked sand into your face during shot put training, your confidante who broke an eraser into two right before sitting down for your Math Preliminary exams, IS GONE. Its the small little things that broke me, knowing that the stronger half of me has left us all.

We were just two months away from our O's, and there I was, clearing his locker, crying as though I've lost my son in a war. I wasnt sad. I was devastated. You see, he was there throughout the four years I served in high school. While everybody else were passing by in my life, he stayed. Through the hardships, he has eased my troubles so much, even words cant articulate.

We were not in love.

But I know, for sure, I will never master the art of Patience like how Sol has showed me everytime I simplified an algebraic equation wrongly, and he had to go over it, again and again.

I am certain, for sure, I will never learn the meaning of Strength like how Sol always used to make me sprint up every 100m and leave me a TimeOut chocolate bar at every 100m mark if I hit a new max.

I can guarantee, for sure, I will never grasp the idea of Life if his father didnt make that silly mistake of texting his mother back in Singapore, that led to the accident in KL.

I am never going to blame Mr. Malik for his son's death. He was like a father to me too. But I will never compromise safety over anything, because when its at risk, you lose. That is my job's first rule in camp, "SAFETY FIRST."

I lost my bestfriend unexpectedly, due to a stupid mistake. Which explains why I nag specifically to my loved ones who drive and ride, to never multitask behind the wheel. There's no other reason to it; I just care.

Open Letter, The First.

As I'm writing this, Tori Kelly's 'You Caught Me' is playing on repeat. So maybe, you might wanna turn this song on as you proceed to read through, just so you get a grip of my letter better. Lol, dont doubt me, just do it. 😏

This year has been pretty tough. Its not over yet, but the first eight months has cradled me to hit rockbottom. My physique wasnt at its tip top condition for close to four months, I never spoke well of myself even once, I stopped seeing old peers, I hated people unnecessarily, I broke into tears almost every day, I lost track of my life for a good long while.

Then God decided to send a beautiful package, filled with wonderful beings to help ease my load. They carressed my flaws and worked with my fears. I was never made fun of for my weaknesses, in fact I always got helping hands for falling down seven, and warm hugs for getting up eight. Of course, throughout my stay in the Gardens, people come and go, they call themselves 'Friends'. But only a few stayed, not certainly physically, but in soul-form. They live within you, they whisper in your ears to perservere though you've been treated badly at work, most of the times when guests cause a hassle. They feed you when you dont have enough to keep you full, they shelter you when the weather decides to call you Unlucky, they hold you tighter when you feel least loved.

Ikah 🌹
Thank you for the days you've helped me survive. For standing by my side when I'm helpless, for being my voice when the rest decided to shut me up, for never losing sight of my back you promised to watch at all costs. You taught me to get back on my feet, so I could get back on my grind. You are not thanked enough, so I extend my utmost appreciation to the one who means the universe to me. For all the love you have given me, the advices that came in all sorts of form - be it through texts or by the way you roll your eyes, every bit of it all has been taken into account and all these progress, I owe it all to you. I love you and nothing, not an atom of anything else, can change that, now and forever.

Baba 🌷
You saw what I was when I first joined the team. How hard-headed and untamed I was, you still stood by me, helped soften all my sharp edges and smoothen them curves. You nag a lot, yes, but without fail, it works. The amount of pain I projected since we met up to this date, you saw them all. And you never turned your back against me. Thanks a million, for all that you gave and I lovingly accept them, not knowing what to present back to you, that marks up to the same value of love and patience you have gifted me with. I love you, despite the many times I acted like I dont.

Huda 🌻
You, my lady, have seen me shake and break, countless times. When R stood me up for ice cream, you got me some. When I needed somebody to accompany me to Raffles Place cause I know A was gonna blow his top off, you willingly did. When I was feeling very much hopeless with my relationship, you sat there and listened to the same old shits over and over again. Everybody did - but you just had to be the one who saw and heard, EVERY GOD DAMN FREAKING THING, from 0 to the Hero you made me today. I became a lot more vocal with my opinions because you taught me so, I learnt to smile more, cut down on the angst because you have instilled so much happiness in me. Thank you, and I love you more than I thought I could ever feel.

Zunnur 🌼
You. Yessssss. What do I have to say about you? You always know the right things to say to pick me up, you come to me for comfort, and that itself, screams love straight into my heart. Thank you for reminding me of my worth, for wanting to know what troubles me most, for being the better half. I see you're liking your new companion there haha, I bet he can make you feel like puking rainbows and you guys will get along pretty well. Matchmaking 101, settled! Continue being the ever-so-beautiful person you are, I'll need you for life. I love you more than I could ever promise, dont you ever let that slip off your mind.

Then, not long ago, I spoke to my hot summer love. Ikah and I named him Hamena, but now he's Bubba. *pukes a whole bathtub full, 😂* If you have no clue who Bubba is then perhaps its not you, so move along. HAHAHA! From Gold Coast and back to homeland, he keeps my heart light, all I do is laugh. I learnt quite a little something about Floorball, the sport he's been adopting since forever. I adore the passion he portrays everytime he's in the court, because I know how much the selections for the final squad to be sent for SEA Games means to him. I dont play the sport, I dont even know how the pressure rises when you're being preyed down by your opponents in the court, but I sure know that he, along with the rest of these talents, are the pride and glory of the country. I've been to his club match and I know this one's gonna make mummy proud LOL! Keep up with the good work you've shown throughout these years, I'll gladly come to watch you play the game you love from the spectators' stand, and you can impress me over and over again.

-

I am a reckless soul.
My nights cry and wail, my mornings shed blood.

I am a helpless life.
I crawl into bed for death, sit on edges of rooftops for life.

But, then...

I am a hopeful child.
I pray and seek God's warmth, I curl up on the prayer mat till dawn.

I am a growing kid.
I spend Halloween trick or treatin', I leave the fridge open sometimes.

Cause,

I learnt that in life, I'll break.
From there, I'll make.
Success is brewed, it grows on trees called Patience and Perseverance.

I learnt that in life, I'll bruise.
And with that, I lose.
But, victory is near, so go hard or go home.

Hustle through the bustle, grind in line!

Mehhhhh gimme a cookie 😏

Take it whole, or pack up and leave.

I like my coffee chilled with more ice, and tea just warm.

I prefer nights better than day time. 

I love glazed doughnuts and ice cream, compared to cookies and milk.

I'd rather write this blog post, than my death wish.

I love shoes. I am mad about bags. I dont quite favour accesories other than a watch on my left wrist. But I wear flip flops a lot. I'm all about comfort wear, a pinch of style and a whole lot of I-dont-give-damn-of-how-I-look.

I dont have much friends, but I know a lot of people. I probably know your neighbour's cat's name. I choose the ring of people I am comfortable with, cause I have trust issues. I dont like swift movements around me, I mistake them for physical abuse. I dont like sudden loud noises, I am easily startled and I shiver when something scares me. I hate the fireworks, though they're dead pretty burning the dark skies. But I love the Light and Sound show at Skyway, every 8:45PM. I can stare at tall buildings, skyscrapers or any sort of architectural beauty for hours, sippin' on iced coffee.

I love photos. They help me relive long dead memories. Pictorial memories ease things for me, cause words dont mean shit to me. As much as actions, photographs teach me the art of appreciation - that things dont always stay the same. Photographs are moments, frozen in time. After its captured, I'll never wear the same smile, carry the same amount of happiness in my soul, ever. 

I'm an optimistic person. I want to be the happiest in the clique. I laugh the loudest amongst everyone, I appear cheerful for everyone to absorb my vibe, just so they feel revived and full although they are drained like empty vessels. One thing I hate of being in a group is when one feels upset, you are bound to be possesed by that unhealthy hot heat but you know for real you cant just dive into the poor fella's heart and plant flowers and make them feel a whole lot better. Instead, I peel their skin away and sink into their veins - let them know that I am near and I live within their souls. But that's what I've vowed to do all my life like its my job. Why fret? I am paid with unlimited love and bottomless glasses of hope. Whenever my cup runs dry, they refill me with encouragement. To march on and live life. 

I am the only daughter my parents have raised for the past 19 years, after my 20 years old elder brother. My 14 years old younger brother completes the family. Being the only girl makes me a whole lot more 'boyish', but thank the Lord, I grew out of my 'tough girl' days as soon as I left secondary school. I am attached to everyone in this household. Just cause I turn to them for almost everything - from food to life-and-death decision-making matters. 

I'm temperamental, I'd whip your sorry ass if you screw up. But I forgive more than anyone deserves to be pardoned. I'm very emotional. And I cant emphasize on 'very' enough. No sarcasm intended.

All else, you'll have to dig deeper.

Done.

Untukmu, Palestine.

Salaam alaykum, para mujahid.

Walau kau diuji hebat, kau tidak berganjak.
"Demi Masjid Al-Aqsa.", kata engkau.
Walau kau dipijak henyak tiada henti, kau kembali, tegak berdiri.
"Demi Al Quds.", kata engkau.
Walau kau ditindas Zionis terzalim, kau menadah tangan memanjat doa.
"Demi Palestine.", kata engkau.

Kau sabar menentang kezaliman. Kau teguh menegakkan kebenaran. Kau tak takut dipanah, kau tak gentar ditembak. Bangun di pagi hari mu disambut dengan bunyi bom, tidur waktu malam mu disentak dengan bau gas 'phosphorous'. Sedang kami nyenyak tidur, dibelai kipas berkuasa tinggi, bertilam empuk, kau bersengkang mata melawan keganasan. Demi Palestine.

Ibu ku di Palestine...
Maafkan aku kerana sewaktu rumah mu dipecah masuk, aku tiada berbuat apa.

Ayah ku di Palestine...
Maafkan aku kerana sewaktu kepala mu dipenggal, aku tiada berbuat apa.

Adik gadis ku di Palestine...
Maafkan aku kerana sewaktu dara mu diragut, aku tiada berbuat apa.

Adik teruna ku di Palestine...
Maafkan aku kerana sewaktu kau dicolek dan dikurung, aku tiada berbuat apa.

Anak-anak kecil ku di Palestine...

Maafkan aku kerana waktu kau ditendang sehingga bermandian darah, aku tiada berbuat apa.

Bumi Allah ini luas, luas lagi kasih-Nya. Sehebat-hebat dugaan yang Rabb turunkan, hebat lagi ganjaran yang menanti di Jannah. Sudah dijanji Tuhan, kemenangan buat Palestine sangat hampir. Sabarlah, sayang. Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, aturan masa-Mu itu yang paling cantik. Kau lebih tahu sedang kami hanya tercongok, menunggu.

Aku mengaku aku pengecut, aku kerdil. Maka itu bukan aku yang dipilih menjadi penduduk tanah suci Bayt Al Muqaddas, maka itu bukan aku yang kehadapan menjadi antara mujahidah yang dijanji syurga-Nya.

Ilmu ku cetek secetek lopak air, aku tak mahu mengambil tahu hal saudara ku yang merayu aku bangun dari terus dinoda dunia. Ego ku tinggi menggunung, aku tak peduli apa jadi pada nyawa ummi abi, adik perempuan adik lelaki. 

Akhir zaman semakin menjelang. Takkan Islam jatuh ke tangan Israel. Wujud pun tidak nama Israel dalam mata para mukmin. Allah, memang tidak layak lah aku memohon pada-Mu yang sentiasa mencukupkan aku. Tapi kali ini, pinta ku bukan untuk aku. 

"Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, Kau kasih lah mereka yang berjihad di atas jalan-Mu. Kau lindungi lah mereka yang membawa semangat, mengikut jejak pejuang-pejuang agama sewaktu perang Badr dan Uhud. Ya Khaliq Ya Malik,  Kau sayangi lah mereka yang diwajibkan solat 6 waktu termasuk solat jenazah setiap hari sedangkan kami tiada dibendung kesulitan apapun masih malas merendahkan diri, bersujud kepada-Mu walau sekali. Semoga hidayah tahu kami sedang mencarinya, semoga kemenangan lekas menghampiri saudara ku di Palestine. Amin."

Yang tercinta, para ahli Jannah... tatkala kau syahid nanti, setelah nyawa mu direntap Izrail, para penduduk syurga yang lain sedang menyambut kehadiran mu. Berehat lah di rumah baru mu yang tersergam indah, saat itu kau sudah menang. 

#11

As we go through our days, I almost lost track of time. Today we turn 11 months old. Scary how the days turn to hours and the minutes speed down to seconds, then the next thing before we know it, we're a year old! Oh time, dear time, why hurry?

As of today, there isnt a thing I missed out on this man. He's brilliant in so many aspects of life. He's inspired by influential people, that eventually has driven him to inspire others as well. Inspire to aspire, hopefully. His passion for things oozes out from his wounds like blood from deep cuts. Determination drips off, like sweat. Hard work pays off most times when he  gives it his every ounce of strength. Looking at him on an everyday basis, I am possesed by his thoughts of fitness.

I respect his interests. He invests so much on a life-long journey that has no end - fitness, that is. And I am more than honoured to have been able to witness his successes, and to lovingly call him 'My man'. Never will I trade all the nagging about his calories for anything else in this world. If there is anyone who's of a bigger supporter of his than me, I call that person his Motivator - and its still me doing that job, no doubt.

I give him credit for being a responsible partner-in-crime. Other than being a pain in my ass, he does all the loveydovey stuff like a duty. He gets me most of the food that I crave for, holds my hand all the time, rubs my back, hugs me long enough that all my broken pieces stick back together. Anyone can do that, really. But only he, can stand my non-stop whining, my demands for ice-cream, and sudden tight hugs around his neck and never wanting to let loose.

I admit, I'm still figuring him out. And I like the idea of how he surprises me with his hot heat and tantrums, and I cant say much anymore cause he takes every bit of my mood swings like a chill pill. There is nothing he couldnt take of me, he's been given shit yet he's still rollin' with me.

Thank you, Ahmad Al Hedir. For not being a sore loser and winning my heart all over again, sunrise or sunset.

Nah , amik bunga ��

Damn son,10th already?!

I grasped the pencil harder. Blasted the radio louder. I'm still here, writing about the love of my life. God knows what we've been dealing with all this time, I cant even imagine going through times as tough as this if not with the man I adore.

Still mesmerized by his suave moves, the way he softly pinches my cheeks as I take comfort in his chest, how he rubs my back when everything falls apart. I thought nobody could comfort me just as well as my dad could, but he did it just right.

My mood is rather hard to decipher - I'm all giggly one second then very angsty the next. But this gentleman over here has all my habits and tricks up his sleeves. He knows how I prefer silence, a shoulder to lean on and some tapping on my lap when I'm all sleepy. He can guess well too, when I'm hungry, when I'm in need of him to listen to my sad story when I lost my favourite water bottle - then later found by a security guard.

Sometimes I feel undeserving, I shouldnt even be loved by the world's most-wanted criminal. How hard I can be for him is beyond the universe and all that is within it. Yet, he's still calm and collected when dealing with my mood swings, midnight cravings and sudden outburst of tears. I never fail to unleash the beast in him. Though I peel patience off his skin all day, he still buys me chocolates, feeds me frozen yoghurt and reminds me the importance of not skipping meals. 

We grew bonded. I knew his voice wasnt just answering back at me, we were connected. Somehow, it came to a point where I got addicted to his attention, to his voice and gaze. I can safely say we were feeling great to have let our voices run through each other's heads for close to 13 hours. 

Its funny how I still go back to choose this person, after every smile and tear. Big wars, small and bitchy fights, I still choose him. Maybe its because nobody shuts me up better than he can, probably nobody can look good in sweatpants and a beanie just as he effortlessly can - and I am crazy about that.

Just as much as how I look up to this being, I know Adrian and Nadine will tell the world how he's their hero. I want Nadine to know what is there to look for in her future man. I'll say, "If he's nothing like papa, he's out." I want Adrian to know how being a family-man matters. His pops will show him that staying out for beer on Fridays isnt all attractive, he'll be taught how to be a gentleman first, and how a righteous Muslim should perform his duties.

I want them to know how we are gonna be there for their graduations - from preschool right up to their bachelor's degree. We'll go get Adrian's first bench, his first pair of Nike kicks and football boots. Nadine will learn how to tie her hair, do squats and maybe take up some cooking skills from me. 

Yes, we're still arguing over minor things such as who gets the last cookie in the jar and why the fridge door wasnt closed shut. But how we roll with it for years will go on the hall of fame, when everyone else never believed in us enough to spare us even just an ounce of faith.

I need them to see how this was built - how this was made all concrete. We needed trust, love, patience and a whole lot of the other person to keep going. And no, nobody quits. 

"True love is never losing the magic. True love is not leaving when things get hard."

#9

So, what else havent the world heard about? Our story?

I've never been so excited all my life, for something I wanted so bad. Finally... someone who swept me off my feet, Ahmad Al Hedir. He wasnt prince charming, in fact he was the team's badass. He wasnt Mr. Popular, he was so mediocre. What stood out was his character - he played Mr. Nice Guy a little bit, some Mr. Douchebag, and a whole lot of Mr. Pain in Everybody's Ass. He isnt all my type, he obviously wasnt my fight. Nothing about him interests me till he opened his ears up for me. He spoke so little of himself cause he was all ears for another stranger like me. I'm not saying I could just fall into the hands of a man who listens to my bullshit some time of the week, but this person listens day in day out! He jots down my daily rants like recipes, observes my likes and dislikes like a detective.

He is nothing like me. He is all I never saw in myself. He's seen me happy, he's seen me sad. He's seen me reasonable, he's seen me mad. I write too many good things about him you wont believe how amazing of a person he is. He is a blessing everyone chooses to overlook. He has cured so many failed emotions in me, helping me feel again.

Lets just say... I want to wake up to this man one day, for the rest of my life. And he will teach Adrian how to ride a bike, and assemble Nadine's first cookhouse. Insyaallah.

#8

8th; "Kalau bukan ini, tak tahu apa lagi lah."

You let me love you, out of the many I could've just fell for. I picked you because I had so much love while you had none. You were cold and unbreakable - stubborn for nothing. Your eyes craved for someone who could soften your rough edges to smooth corners. I saved you.

You let me keep you, despite of the many reasons I could've just let go. We struggled through the rainy days, the ugly fights, just so we could keep this love flaming for a little bit longer. Just so you could bring me somewhere I've never set foot on. Just so I know what it feels like to be loved, madly. You saved me.

We were told to quit it. We were told to set each other free. We were told to stop breaking each others hearts. We were told that we didnt deserve one another. We were told to find someone better. We were told we werent ready. We were told everything that we didnt wanna hear. We've heard it all. Nobody saved us.

"The grass aint always greener on the other side, its greener where you water it."

Tak semestinya aku nangis aku tak bahagia. Tak semestinya dia marah dia merana. Kita yang bercinta, kita lebih tahu.

Orang nampak kita gaduh sebab kita heboh-heboh kan. Orang kata kita tak sajak sebab kekurangan kita yang tak sekata. Kita yang bercinta, kita lebih faham.

We picked all our broken pieces, cried together, put them all back again. Our hands bleed, our hearts crushed, nobody knew how bad it hurt us. They'll never know how difficult I can be unless they've been you. They'll never know how hard-headed you can get unless they've been me. We saved each other.

I've seen your every flaw, tasted every scar you got through your battle years. And I still see the beauty that shine through them. Because you're the angel who saved me from destruction.

Thank you, Ahmad Al Hedir. For staying to fight on, and to love harder. ❤

#7

Bismillah.

7 purnama bersama.

Syukur, alhamdulillah. Dia belum biol lagi. Syukur, alhamdulillah. Dia belum gila lagi. Syukur, alhamdulillah. Dia belum nak bunuh diri.

Macam biasa lah. Gaduh, baik. Gaduh lagi, baik lagi. There's no end to it.

---

Such young love like this, they say its just puppy love. They say you're not responsible enough for your own mistakes; they dont know how I drive you up the walls. They say you're a douchebag; they dont know what I did that made you scream off your top.

I'm a bitch too. I get on your every nerve then crawl up to your arms, asking you to forgive your little girl. I pull every strand of your patience then hold your face, asking you to love me more. Like you always said, "You never fail to make me angry."

Too bad baby, that's all I know. I've dug myself a hole in your heart, built myself a home there. I'm never gonna feel safe elsewhere. Where can I go? Who else rubs my back better when I feel low? Who else carreses my cheeks when I feel least loved?

Remember when nobody believed in us? Remember when everyone belittled us? Remember when everybody blamed us for our every heartbreak? Remember them who said we wouldnt survive the first battle? Remember those who said we werent good for each other? Remember who said that this isnt love?

Yes, our fights are crazy. We are both mentally unsound. Its all because we still want each other that bad. Its all because I still want to have someone to fight with till I grow old on my deathbed and finally pass on. Its all because we're still as stubborn as hell.

I dont have to tell you that I love you.

You know even if God took away my abilities, He will remind you that I loved to sing off-keys. He will remind you that I like having my hands intertwined with yours. He will remind you of how much I adored the scent of your perfume mixed with sweat. He will remind you of how much I liked sunrise. He will remind you I loved cakes and coffee.

Now. I know a month ago I said its only gonna get better. I know two months ago I said we'll fight lesser. I know 3 months ago I said we'll jog together. You know how delusional I can be, right? There you go. I'm overly-dreamy and unreal about things.

At least I'm still crazy about us... and you.

Ibu.

Bismillah.

Aku selalu tanya Ibu, "Am I good enough for anything right now?" Bila aku tanya soalan macam ni, Ibu punya reply simple gila. -- "God sends His strongest, fiercest soldiers out for war. War eh, bukan gang fight bawah blok."

Aku melalak malam-malam buta, tumbuk cermin sampai pecah. Ibu sorang je tak cakap apa-apa. Sebab Ibu faham. Dia faham anak dia sakit mental. Dia sedar anak dia tak betul. Dia tahu anak dia kena makan anti-depressant pills. Tapi dia tak pernah complain.

Mungkin pasal aku ni anak dia.
Buruk perangai aku pun; ANAK DIA. Buruk sikap aku pun; ANAK DIA.

Aku heran jugak lah kenapa dia rilek je bila aku cerita semua hal hidup aku kat dia. Dia kata dia suka. Sebab sekurang-kurangnya, anak dia ni ingat jugak nak ajak dia berbual walaupun kerja makan gaji keluar pagi balik malam.

---

She's the last person I know who will ever give up on me. I foresee, even if I'm put in a mental institute one day, she'll sit by my bed and feed me my meals. She'll comb my hair. She'll take me for a walk. She'll put me to sleep and repeat the whole cycle till I die.

I just hope I'll die before she does. So I wont have to trouble her anymore and see how much more she has to invest in me just to see me happy. And so I dont have to be lost when she's no longer around. Because honestly... without a Queen, even I as her princess, wont even know how to sit like a girl.

Ibu, this is for you. ��

#6th

Bismillah.

We're here today, at half-a-year mark, stronger than ever.

Earl grey tea and the sun at noon. Weights and benches. Kicks and jerseys. We've tasted almost everything, together. From late-night phone calls to mid-day arguments - we've graced through. From inside jokes to the signature handshake - we've showed them. From love to life - we've seen each fault and flaw. And despite all that we didnt like about each other from the start, from being rivals to being inseparable - we're still standing on solid ground. Despite receiving a lot of hatred, depite seeing so many envious losers trying their best to convince us how badly we fit, despite being fed with so much bullshit from strangers who knew nothing about us - we breezed through. 

Yes I admit, we've fought over so many trivial matters. We are childish, let us have our chance to grow. Yes I admit, we've screamed into each others' faces for no reason. We are impatient, give us time. 

I've heard enough of the, "Come on Nis, you deserve better. Dont settle for someone like such." I've cried enough over, "Who's the unlucky one now? You or him? Damn Nis, he must have a bucketful of patience for an egoistic, spoilt, hot-headed brat like you."

Many times we asked ourselves, "Do you want me still, although you know that we're gonna have to fight, like this, all over again? Till we die?"

And the answer is, "Yes, ultimately. I'd rather fight and cry all my life with someone who's seen enough and has every reason to leave but chose to stay instead, because I know of nobody else who can stand my whims, my mad cravings in the middle of the night or even how stupid I might sound throughout the day."

Sometimes, love is not about what suits you. Its not always right when they tell you he's not good for you, they're not always on point when they tell you she's just gonna be a sore for you. They see what you show them, and that's all. They're only gonna see the ugly fights, the tantrums and hot bitch fits. They dont feel the love, they dont get warm hugs from his thick arms, they dont smell the cologne on his chest, they dont get to play with his hair, they dont get piggyback rides on the way home, do they? They cant hear her laughter, they dont rub your back after a long day, they dont sniff on your shoulders, they dont cheekily ask for a leg massage on tough days, do they? There you go.

Hedir 💕, I will continue being a pain in your ass. At the same time, I'll keep loving you, for as long as you want me to.

#11Aug

Much love,

Nis 💋

#adrian

Bismillah.

I used to believe that I'd end my life solo. Maybe because I loved how quiet my days were. Having only my siblings to argue with, only my parents to appreciate. I used to like the idea of having a house of my own, to furnish it, make it a home. Then it struck me - its not home without family. I need to get married, and have a few junior versions of myself and my spouse. I've had a few downfalls in love, failed relationships. But I dont fully blame them, maybe its because I always have this 'I-can-do-this-on-my-own' crappy attitude in me. It could've made them feel like I am superior and self-sufficient, since I always came off strong and independent. Its like them saying, "Fine. You wanna do this alone? Here, take all this shit along with you. I'm leaving." everytime they gave up on me. I wont blame them for leaving bruises on my skin, scars deeper than my bones. If I were in their shoes having to deal with a brat like me, I'd throw myself off a cliff, really. 

But someone came along. He crushed my walls, put my guards down, and made me a girl. He worked with my fears, made me brave and bold. He never underestimated my strength, he caressed my flaws. He fed me good stuff, he filled me to the brim. I felt loved. I felt whole. 

He shared his life with me. He gave me the better half of his heart saying,

"I'll keep this other half, you can have the nicer half of my soul. The inner beast lives in here. The other half you're keeping is the angel who's gonna save you. So when we blow our tops off, when my demons scream into your head, the angel from the other half of my heart can be your saviour. So when we fight to the point where we can kill, you'll remember the love we've always had." 

He doesnt know how much I treasure his icy cold fingers intertwined with mine. He wouldnt understand if I told him I loved his hair and face. How he annoys me, how he pisses me off, pulls every strand of patience off me... this guy doesnt know how much he means to me. 

He will never know. Even if he does, he'll never understand how much. Just how much I love him, and all the shit that comes along with it.