#8

8th; "Kalau bukan ini, tak tahu apa lagi lah."

You let me love you, out of the many I could've just fell for. I picked you because I had so much love while you had none. You were cold and unbreakable - stubborn for nothing. Your eyes craved for someone who could soften your rough edges to smooth corners. I saved you.

You let me keep you, despite of the many reasons I could've just let go. We struggled through the rainy days, the ugly fights, just so we could keep this love flaming for a little bit longer. Just so you could bring me somewhere I've never set foot on. Just so I know what it feels like to be loved, madly. You saved me.

We were told to quit it. We were told to set each other free. We were told to stop breaking each others hearts. We were told that we didnt deserve one another. We were told to find someone better. We were told we werent ready. We were told everything that we didnt wanna hear. We've heard it all. Nobody saved us.

"The grass aint always greener on the other side, its greener where you water it."

Tak semestinya aku nangis aku tak bahagia. Tak semestinya dia marah dia merana. Kita yang bercinta, kita lebih tahu.

Orang nampak kita gaduh sebab kita heboh-heboh kan. Orang kata kita tak sajak sebab kekurangan kita yang tak sekata. Kita yang bercinta, kita lebih faham.

We picked all our broken pieces, cried together, put them all back again. Our hands bleed, our hearts crushed, nobody knew how bad it hurt us. They'll never know how difficult I can be unless they've been you. They'll never know how hard-headed you can get unless they've been me. We saved each other.

I've seen your every flaw, tasted every scar you got through your battle years. And I still see the beauty that shine through them. Because you're the angel who saved me from destruction.

Thank you, Ahmad Al Hedir. For staying to fight on, and to love harder. ❤

#7

Bismillah.

7 purnama bersama.

Syukur, alhamdulillah. Dia belum biol lagi. Syukur, alhamdulillah. Dia belum gila lagi. Syukur, alhamdulillah. Dia belum nak bunuh diri.

Macam biasa lah. Gaduh, baik. Gaduh lagi, baik lagi. There's no end to it.

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Such young love like this, they say its just puppy love. They say you're not responsible enough for your own mistakes; they dont know how I drive you up the walls. They say you're a douchebag; they dont know what I did that made you scream off your top.

I'm a bitch too. I get on your every nerve then crawl up to your arms, asking you to forgive your little girl. I pull every strand of your patience then hold your face, asking you to love me more. Like you always said, "You never fail to make me angry."

Too bad baby, that's all I know. I've dug myself a hole in your heart, built myself a home there. I'm never gonna feel safe elsewhere. Where can I go? Who else rubs my back better when I feel low? Who else carreses my cheeks when I feel least loved?

Remember when nobody believed in us? Remember when everyone belittled us? Remember when everybody blamed us for our every heartbreak? Remember them who said we wouldnt survive the first battle? Remember those who said we werent good for each other? Remember who said that this isnt love?

Yes, our fights are crazy. We are both mentally unsound. Its all because we still want each other that bad. Its all because I still want to have someone to fight with till I grow old on my deathbed and finally pass on. Its all because we're still as stubborn as hell.

I dont have to tell you that I love you.

You know even if God took away my abilities, He will remind you that I loved to sing off-keys. He will remind you that I like having my hands intertwined with yours. He will remind you of how much I adored the scent of your perfume mixed with sweat. He will remind you of how much I liked sunrise. He will remind you I loved cakes and coffee.

Now. I know a month ago I said its only gonna get better. I know two months ago I said we'll fight lesser. I know 3 months ago I said we'll jog together. You know how delusional I can be, right? There you go. I'm overly-dreamy and unreal about things.

At least I'm still crazy about us... and you.

Ibu.

Bismillah.

Aku selalu tanya Ibu, "Am I good enough for anything right now?" Bila aku tanya soalan macam ni, Ibu punya reply simple gila. -- "God sends His strongest, fiercest soldiers out for war. War eh, bukan gang fight bawah blok."

Aku melalak malam-malam buta, tumbuk cermin sampai pecah. Ibu sorang je tak cakap apa-apa. Sebab Ibu faham. Dia faham anak dia sakit mental. Dia sedar anak dia tak betul. Dia tahu anak dia kena makan anti-depressant pills. Tapi dia tak pernah complain.

Mungkin pasal aku ni anak dia.
Buruk perangai aku pun; ANAK DIA. Buruk sikap aku pun; ANAK DIA.

Aku heran jugak lah kenapa dia rilek je bila aku cerita semua hal hidup aku kat dia. Dia kata dia suka. Sebab sekurang-kurangnya, anak dia ni ingat jugak nak ajak dia berbual walaupun kerja makan gaji keluar pagi balik malam.

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She's the last person I know who will ever give up on me. I foresee, even if I'm put in a mental institute one day, she'll sit by my bed and feed me my meals. She'll comb my hair. She'll take me for a walk. She'll put me to sleep and repeat the whole cycle till I die.

I just hope I'll die before she does. So I wont have to trouble her anymore and see how much more she has to invest in me just to see me happy. And so I dont have to be lost when she's no longer around. Because honestly... without a Queen, even I as her princess, wont even know how to sit like a girl.

Ibu, this is for you. ��