The Hallucinated Proposal.

I strolled in to Republic Polytechnic's floorball arena one 11th October evening, escorted by my bestfriend, Ikah, all the way from the institution's carpark upon arrival by cab.

To my surprise, forty young men conquered the school's floorball battlefield, formed two similar line-ups down the farther half of the court. Fully geared in each one's club jerseys, grasping their sponsored sticks of various brands with their right hand over the other, shaft up and blade down. Tall and heavily-built goalkeepers kept at the sides of both rows, seemingly acted like unbreakable walls.

Instructed by Ikah to stand right before the goalpost these athletes were facing, I did just that with no questions asked. I calmly took some time to look at all of these faces placed  infront of me, they weren't any stranger. I've seen them through at least two seasons and one major international competition that sent the nation's name soaring up the sky. I recognised each and every one of them.

Except that, the squad wasn't complete.

Hamka wasn't found in line.

I let my eyes wander. Searched the benches, and finally behind my shoulder and the stands above. All I spotted were the creative crew of VoxSports and ActiveSG, armed with cameras and lights all around. Also, quite a turn out of spectators for merely an unofficial hit-around session amongst invitational players. But still, no sign of my beloved.

When I turned around to face the squad again, Hamka came in running from the sides, showing off some skills before he slid in between the two line-ups. He centralised perfectly amongst them, facing me like I was a target. With him, he had his stick and a ball, placed neatly by his blade.

I was even more confused when he started playing a few tricks, the ball flipped sides, left and right, like he was taking a penalty shot against me. He marched up close, close enough to score. I could hear odd sounds coming from the ball not far from me.

He finally stopped playing mind games with me. He paused for a moment, left the stick on the ground to his left and went down on one knee. That moment in time, not only did his knee hit the ground - my heart did too.

He picked the ball and with shivering hands cracked it open into two but it won't open. He actually got the ball custom-made into a ring holder. I've never seen him struggle so hard to form words without stuttering, what more voice out.

"Baby, I knew you wanted a proper wedding proposal despite already agreeing on a date. So let me ask you and let everyone witness this. Do you want to live with me for the rest of your life and have my kids who'll annoy you more than I do?"

The cliche had to happen - I broke down to bits and sprawled on the floor. Before I even agreed to his proposal, I crawled closer to him, helped open the ring holder and said "Yes." The kinda "Yes." only he could hear and wrapped my arms around his stiff shoulders which couldn't even move because he broke down too.

The sudden uproar of cheers and whistling from those watching over us made us embrace each other even tighter. I gazed upon the soldiers who stood behind him and saw smiles that translated to how proud they were of Hamka's courageous act. It's clear that it wasn't easy to plan a proposal, to execute it perfectly was a miracle and for it's process from start to finish be covered by a sports live station was hands down, the most epic of it's kind.

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I can always dream this was all true, can't I?

Hamka's #roadtovictory.

Dear Hamka,

You're away from home and I assume you're settling in well in your new space. Looking at the way you progress assures me you're fed enough and taken care off pretty well. So let's start!

Your first game will kick-off this Thursday, 11 June, rightfully at 19:00 hours. Our families and friends will unite together in one hall to cheer the team on, along with the home crowd. You've never let me down as a team player and I put so much faith in you. The hopes of the nation is what you carry on your shoulders alongside the other 19 men playing for that Gold medal. I understand the pressure is rather hard to tune but I believe you'll handle it well. Your hardwork, blood+sweat+tears, never-ending sacrifices will soon pay off and haven't I told you, honey,

"Victory is sweet."

Let's not heat the intensity up with more pressure nearing the game day. Whatever the score may be, whether the spectators cheer or jeer, all of you will always be champions. The cup was ours as of the SEA Championships held last year on homeground, insyaallah, with sheer determination, it will still be ours this SEA Games. For as long as you play with your heart, for the love of the sport, gold won't ever be old. I am certain the country won't mind another silver or bronze in it's chart, but we've always looked good with the gold and all 20 of you will claim the title like we own it.

But for you personally, be the playmaker you are. Don't mind the size of your opponents, look beyond that. You have achieved so many great things in life and this is about to be conquered. I know I should've done more while I could - I knew your back was hurting, I should've massaged you when you asked me to. I knew your head was throbbing, I should've played with your hair till you fall asleep. Now that I can't, I hope your mates are helping me out by looking after you. Even if they don't normally do what I always do like it's my duty, I bet they have done their best to keep you on track.

Worry not. Gold, silver or bronze, you'll come home to comfort. Whatever you never got while I wasn't around will be made available to you. Massages? You bet, yes. Dota while I feed you chips? I'm on it. Hugs and kisses when you least expect them? You won't even have to demand.

All the best, Hamka. To your boys as well. Don't start searching for me in the stands while you're playing. I'll be there. Don't worry. I'll be right there.

+358 Bound, 8 Days Apart.

Dear Hamka,

We are separated again, for the sake of your dreams. It's hard, I won't deny that. I realised sending someone off was a painful process. Even packing your luggage away burns me. I don't even know if you're gonna be okay with the weather over there, or how you'd like the food, if I've tucked in enough jackets and pullovers to keep you warm, and if you'll ever come home to me safely. I fear so many things yet you see me so confident that I'll be fine on my own here.

Indeed, I am doing fine. Just not great compared to the last few hours we spent together before you took flight. The little while we had at home and small talks over dinner was a catch-up much needed after all the squabbling we dealt with the past few weeks. I haven't spent so much time looking at your face and hearing you out about how tedious the packing phase was for you. I came to help when you needed me to because that was the least I could do since I couldn't bring myself to wish you farewell at the departure hall that night. And on top of that, I still care, pretty much a lot. 

We're just moments away from reuniting again. I can't wait to welcome you home, you've been too far a tad bit too long I'm starting to feel lonely. It's not nice to know that you suffered various injuries while you're there and I'm nowhere near to nurse you. But it's comforting that my calendar has been updating me of your homecoming - IT'S VERY SOON, BABE.

I'm anticipating the safety your arms can assure me, everywhere else is scary. Soon enough, I won't have to wait up till the wee hours of the morning to receive a phone call. Time difference sucks, you're lucky I wasn't a whiny little bitch throughout. 

Just come home already, please. I promise I won't punch you. I promise after you arrive, you won't want to leave again. Because only with me do you get free cuddles, massages, hugs and kisses. Come home soon, I can't wait to spoil you. ✨

"We suffered seven downfalls, we'll get up eight."

Lately, Hamka and I faced severe downfalls and this relationship went rockbottom. The ones who suffered werent just us - our friends too. Our families... needless to say. Everybody tried to save us, but we were too caught up with upholding our selfish thoughts and ego. 

I saw how much my mother troubled herself to make me feel better about my critically ill love life. She brought me out, fed me surprisingly well everytime she had the chance to, took me away on a trip for awhile, yet nothing could make me smile as wide as compared to when Hamka and I were on good terms. She spoke about him more than I did, asked me how well he was coping with our never-ending issues and all else a mother would normally ask about her favourite boy. She dotes on him like he's one of her own, most times I feel like she's taking his side. Probably because she thinks I am the problem, knowing how hard-headed I can be, how tough to handle I may get, how spoilt I am. I wont blame my mother for doing so. She is right. Nobody can be as patient, as kind and loving, as supportive and encouraging as this fella right here. She spoke to dad about him, and dad... he salutes Hamka for being a righteous man who never left me unguarded although we were on the rocks. My family never gave up on our messed up story, then there's me - tired of the arguments, baffled and distraught over what seems bleak. 

I thought the situation in my household was already pitiful. He got it worst. A streak of sleepless nights, having to juggle mama's condition I never knew about, requests from the younger brother, floorball and work. Yet, he puts our relationship on top of the priorities' list. "Life is not good without you. I dont want to have anymore arguments between us. I'm begging you. Please. I just cant take it seeing us like that. I'm sorry. We are meant to be happy." His plate was full, like as if I dont already know. But he never stopped calling and texting though I never returned a single text nor answered one phone call, just to check on me, whether I'm well and running. His mama had his back while I lost my grip, doing the things I was supposed to do as his better half. One reason to why I wont give her son up is if there was anybody I'd wanna see take her role one day to look after Hamka for the rest of his life, that'd be me, for I know of nobody else who can do just as well as mama in making her hero happy in his darkest hours. I dont know of anybody who can take her role, probably nobody can do it better than mama. But there must be something that keeps him close to me. 

I do not have the mountains and skies to promise, but I owe everybody an apology. Especially to Hamka, for being too blind and ignorant to see what's charging at me and causing this relationship its first downfall in seven months.

Baby, I'm very sorry for putting you into such a state. I never meant to make you worry about my safety and well-being around someone who's secretly trying to take your place. I know better now, I understand better now. That not everybody wants to be nice without asking for anything in return. That not everybody's sincere with their compliments, without having the intention of making me crave for their presence. That not everybody's kind with no clear motive. That, "He is not for you.". That not everybody's honest about their thoughts. That not everybody is contented with our happiness. That not everybody likes the idea of us being together. And although that, I'll always have your back, for your dignity and my own lies in our actions. I hope to run this entire journey with you, while I let you grow and you watch me expand my wings. One big test down, many more to overcome! Together, never without each other, ever, again. 

Also, thank you, for the many things you've done and never gave up doing to keep your spoilt brat happy. Nobody does it better than you, Hamka. In this life and insyaallah, when we take our steps further, I'll always love you. 

Countdown to SEA Games 2015

Dear Hamka,

Little do you know, by the time you get to read this, you might be moments away from your big game. That only means time waits for nobody. Not even you, or me. As much as I crave for more time to be there through every game and training, I'm sorry circumstances dont allow me to do so. We're both growing up very fast. We both shoulder different commitments that require so much effort, we are chasing two unlike dreams respectively. I badly hope, and continously begging God, to never divert our intentions, focus and hearts eventhough we're running on different tracks. May He allow us to meet halfway, and work with our indifferences should there be any on our way to success.

There will be hurdles, but you'll gallop. There will be strong waves, but you'll brave the current. There will be thunderstorms and earthquakes, but love, the strong, like you, will prevail.

January, 2015.

Its coming to an end, January.

You have been tiring. You have squeezed the last ounce of my little energy dry. You have brought me to places I never knew I could set foot on. You have separated me from the people I love most within such little time. You too have brought new souls to unite with mine. Ultimately, you have taught me precious lessons on my journey to becoming twenty.

I began the month rather peacefully. Now, I'm moments away from my fifth camp. And honestly, I am still as ecstatic as when I did my first camp with my old company back in August. For the next 3D2N, I'm about to embark on a painstaking, heartwrenching, mind-boggling journey with another group of dedicated trainers and 15 years-old campers. 

I have been tirelessly slaving myself to this job just because I am in love with the taste of self-satisfaction at the end of it. Without a doubt, I do not enjoy being away from my loved ones. 3D2N may not seem long to one, but its endless horror to another. As much I dig being able to travel to places I've never gazed upon, I do miss being in the comfort of my own bed in sweats, with the liberty of taking naps whenever I feel like it. I miss having so much free time to watch my man train at least once a week. I miss having impromptu plans with my friends for lunch and dinner or just coffee. Time was never on my side since I started working, all my plans had to be discussed days or even weeks ahead just so I make sure nothing clashes. 

Despite convincing myself of having such brilliant time allocation and organisation, I struggled with setting my priorities right. Without realising it, I was too carried away with camping day in day out, I havent set aside a day for Hamka and I, till he had to remind me he hasnt seen me for 3 close to 4 weeks. I lost track of time, I never knew my workaholic self was that stubborn to believe that I'll have the time to squeeze a humble dinner for the two of us between my off days, just before I leave again. Time can be made, of course. But energy can never be recuperated on my side. Once, he wanted to pick me up for dinner with friends a day after I broke from camp. I was still lethargic from the back-to-back camps, so I told him to proceed on without me. He asked me again before he left home and after he picked the other guys up if I really was sure on staying home for the night. Little did I know, he missed me and really hoped I changed my mind and joined them just for that night. I never took notice of the distance that was growing within us.

Its not always sunshine and rainbows in our arena. The weather has been a bitch to us, but I'm really glad we braved all the storms.

I'm just hoping he has the patience to wait for my return everytime I leave. And may God hold us even closer and tighter when He sends a hurricane as a test. Amin.