Bismillah.

There he goes - an empty soul, wandering aimlessly. He floats in mid air everytime I give him a pinch of my attention. I hope he likes the way my eyes light up when he greets me. I hope he doesnt mind that I adore his morning face, his daily humour. I'd listen to him day in day out, just so my brain could function as per norm. His neatly-built body secures every inch of me, from my skins to my bones. His crafty hands are pure magic, injected with lavender essence. So pure, so fine. He moves so swiftly, I cant even blink or I'll lose the tempo. He knows me like the back of his hand, every vein and every muscle. He knows me well, he loves me better.

Now there's me - the... What is there to describe me? But really, I just hope he loves me and wants me as bad as I want him. That's that and that's it. Dear God, keep this man for me or if not, someone better. If she cant do it better than I do, then I believe he's best alone. But as for now, he fits me best. I fit him better than his favourite sweater, oh yes. 

This one's for you, champ.

@ELhedir 💕

Homecoming.

Bismillah.

I heard of a way to soothe stress and depression, I mean the fastest way to relieve the pain. Drink tea. Any kind of tea. Most preferably chamomile. I didnt have any in the kitchen so I just made earl grey tea. I woke up this morning feeling pumped up a lil bit, so I thought I should calm my nerves down. I lost so much water the night before, I perspired a lot cause I slept without the fan ON. So while I was boiling the water and putting the tea bag into my mug, I thought "Why not coffee? At least you'll stay awake, no?"

Dumb. No. Coffee dont do shit. The caffeine somewhat forces you to stay awake, knowing well you havent had enough sleep - good, quality sleep that is! Tea tastes better, hands down! I went on fixing my cup of tea and while waiting for it to cool down a bit, I fixed my oatmeal breakfast. I didnt like the taste of it neither do I like the texture of it bleagh not my thing but it was healthy so yea 😖 I bought oatmeal cookies so I think that shall make a good replacement, true? 

Well here's the thing. I baked yesterday. But I didnt wait for the milk to reduce its temperature to room temperature but the cake turned out fine, edible at least. I picked up new habits like doing squats and cardio like how I normally did, its been a few years now but I kinda abandoned it for a lil while. Yup! That's all.

Good morning, dear self. 

You sorta dropped yourself off somewhere. Dont change. You're a beautiful being before anything like this happened so please stay the way you were. You're not used to being shouted at, not used to being reprimanded at for your own mistakes, not used to apologising because all these while there was someone saving your ass for you, not used to being told to do things without help, not used to losing in arguments, not used to being second in priority, not used to everything. Everything's changing now, but that doesnt mean you have to follow suit - you adapt. Maybe you have to start speaking up for yourself, own up to your own shits, stop being a cry baby, and to really do things on your own, BY YOURSELF. Never depend on anyone. 

God is there, wherever and whenever. You dont owe anyone anything. You'll die alone anyway. I can love all I want, whoever I want. But when the time comes, I have to be willing to let go whatever the reasons are gonna be. God promised death upon all the living things He breathed life into, I know. God promised the end of this world even Muhammad doesnt know when, I fear. 

"Love outside the love of Allah, is pain." - Today, this phrase made sense. Nis, oh come on, your life doesnt revolve around him alone. You know what you did? You actually fell so hard... too hard in fact. Yes, you are not self-sufficient. But Allah is. So if you need anything, Allah is closer than the vein that keeps your heart pumping. That's how close Allah is. Love all you want, hate none. Just dont grip things too hard cause there are some things even gravity cant hold. 

1:22AM

I'm sorry.

For all the things I said knowingly or not, for all the things I did purposely or not.

Yes I've never asked you how your day was, all I did was complain about mine. I'm sorry. Yes I've never considered how tired you were, all I did was complain about how shitty I felt.

I'm sorry I've never done anything you've done for me in return. I'll try again, give me 5 minutes.

I love you, despite all that we've been through.



I love the way you look at me - the wink, the glare and the stare. You make me feel like I'm all you see in this filled room.

I love the way you hold my hands - the grip, the twist and the turns. Its like our hands fit like gloves though they differ in dimension.

I love the way you pinch my cheeks - this, I cant explain. Its just exactly how daddy would do to me when he sees me, and it gets me all the time.

I love the way you hug me - the warmth, the heat exerted from your soul. It fuels me, makes my skin run. And now I realised, "Oh this boy's my kind of fun."

Yes you'll annoy me, and I'll scream in your face. But that's you. And I love you for that. For reminding me that not everyone's gonna be a saint, not everyone's gonna keep a lookout on you, not everyone loves you.

So when you find someone who loves you, willing to hold you when the world caves in, brave enough to hold the sky when it topples over... you trust them with all your heart that they'll stick through.

And I love you boo, for nothing but loving me the way I love you.

18th Birthday, 10 October

Bismillah.

Yesterday, I turned a year older. Finally certified legal to watch M18 movies! Birthdays being birthdays, of course, girlfriends go out! But I never knew these pranksters have got something up their sleeves, including the mister himself too!

Weeks before my birthday, I ever mentioned to my girls - Baba, Huda, Farah and Radyia that we'll go out shopping and have a good talk over dinner together and this meet-up was very major to me cause to have all five of us sit down and have dinner was rather hard ever since we each took different commitments other than work such as school, we became busy supremo! I even told Hedir that it was an all-girls event so he aint supposed to join us hahaha that was just being mean, I know.

Like any other girls' clique, we manage our own group chat on WhatsApp/ws. The plan was to meet up at Pasir Ris so Huda, Baba and I met up for coffee first. The sweet one, Huda, came with a sunflower for me! Ahhh I wasn't the flowers kinda person but there was once I was at work with her and I went round the whole flowerfield in search of a sunflower! So this sweetheart guessed well!

Oh, I was early. Before Baba and Huda came, Radyia bailed out on us saying she has to stay on at school till late and couldn't join us. Farah - worst case situation ever. She didn't even showed up on the group chat! I was like "Eh kesian pe aku." I never thought this was part of the plan! The surprise plan.

While Huda, Baba and I were having coffee, Baba's ummi called her up to meet at Bedok. She totally forgot that Baba was meeting up with some friends today and the matter was rather urgent so we just had to follow suit. Actually I was okay with anything, we could hang out anywhere but it didnt feel complete without the whole clan altogether. Having met Baba's ummi, we went to have late lunch at Pastamania. Now is the real deal - read on.

While we were having lunch, I wasn't suspicious of anything at all since these two were such good, pretentious yet beautiful people for the day! I dont normally finish my food quick since I always have some story-telling to do, so Huda and Baba just had to listen to me blabber away. The topic was rather serious but Huda kept laughing when she looked behind my shoulder, like as if something funny just happened. So when I turned around, I only saw the escalator and nothing else. So nothing was funny? Yea nothing. Well not yet!

When I turned back to face Huda and Baba, I heard voices singing "Happy Birthday" and they all sounded familiar. The first person I saw was Hedir with the cake, then Radyia and Farah coming along. I really thought these three couldn't make it since earlier during the day Radyia said she had school and oh yes Hedir said he's going to the gym. That morning, he didnt even wish me happy birthday so yea imagine how broken I was - on your 18th birthday your boyfriend decides to go to the gym. I actually fell for it because when it comes to gym, he's very serious. Yea I know I said it was an all girls' event but he didn't even wish me so that was the big deal! Radyia turned up, that made half of my day cause it was so hard to meet up with the princess. Farah too! Not replying texts was the worst she has done!

Two of our boys, Sufi and Hafizam are currently serving the nation so they obviously couldn't make it. But later that night, I received a text from Sufi. Being an elder brother, obviously he remembers my birthday. I actually was touched that he wasn't around but a text somehow made me miss him. I miss Hafizam too, no doubt!

So that was it. That was my 18th birthday, thank you guys for the whole surprise plan, the cake and the gifts. I love each and everyone of you to the moon and back. The little one is finally 18. <3