What is Love?

A mother's love is,
When you were crying on your way out of her womb, she was smiling in pain.
When you scraped your knee after you fell off your tricycle, she cleans the cut and gets is plastered.
When you graduated, she sat throughout your convocation, even when you were the last graduand to receive your scroll.

A father's love is,
When you were born, he was the first man to see and touch your bare skin.
When you grew older, he removed your balancing wheels and taught you how to ride a bicycle.
When you got your license, he bought you a second-hand car from the workshop.

A brother's love is,
When he heard mummy was pregnant with you, he stopped asking her to play hide-and-seek with him, because he knew she'd be worn out.
When mummy's tummy grew bigger, he started sleeping in his own bed, because he knew her big tummy needed more space.
When you were born, he learnt to eat on his own during dinner, because he knew mummy had to feed you.

A sister's love is,
When you cant decide what to wear for prom, she'll help you figure.
When you liked the boy who smiled at you down the hallway, she got you his twitter username.
When that same idiot broke your heart, she fills that guy's locker with hate notes.

Love is, when you realise that your life revolves around this one person. You're not entirely obsessed, you're just happier and fuller with their attention. You'll catch yourself saying the things they'd normally say, you'll start picking up after their favourite phrases and sentences. You know its love when you shop for them, instead of yourself. You know its love when you're constantly wanting to see them, or just hearing their voice will make your day. You know its love when they're in your future travel plans. You know its love when your mornings and nights are greeted by their texts or sweet kisses from the other side of the bed. You know its love when you know how she likes her coffee or how he prefers his steak to be done. You know its love when she trusts you to hold her hand during a rollercoaster ride. You know its love when he skips having beer with friends on friday night because you needed him to help paint your room. You know its love when you both constantly work on it, and never leave just cause things got a little rough.

Love is all that, and more. And that one person is the definition of it all.

Obviously, you jolly well know you're in love, when you read all of that and someone came across your mind.

Unexpected.

UNEXPECTED.//

"May God ease, may God heal."

God, always had a way to surprise me.

Back track to 2011, I lost my childhood friend. We simply grew up together. But it seemed that God loved him so much, he was called back to be with the Lord in his sleep. Some nights before, we were having a casual talk after our routine jog along the canal. As midnight slipped in, the conversation got heavier and deeper. The few words he said hit me like a spear,

"Sampai bila kau nak harapkan aku je, Nis? Learn to be on your own. Ni baru aku gi KL tiga hari, belum masuk kubur lagi. Takkan nanti homework kau, kau expect aku ajar kau kat sebelah? Abeh training? Kalau takde partner, kau nak masuk kubur train dengan aku? Mana boleh. If not now, then, once I'm gone, you'll never be alright on your own."

Perhaps, he really meant he wanted me to be independent. He somewhat saw his last day coming. His phone call the night before departure already shook me. He was multitasking between packing his luggage and talking over the phone with the whole squad. The conference call that lasted close to 45 mins was so precious, coming to think about it again. None of the 7 of us could send him off for his 5 a.m drive off, so that phone call was the final call before departure. Fate just had to turn the table over, the car his father was driving collided with the road divider. I was the first person his sister called when he met with an accident along the highway to KL.

Upon arrival at the hospital, he was still unconcious. He slowly showed signs of recovery after 18 hours. When he was fully awake and able to speak, he called me from the hospital bed. All he asked about was how was class that day, how heats training went, how good was my timing, and of course, whether I did my homework or did I copy from the smart foreign student at the back of the class. Before we hung up, he told me to send his regards to the rest of our friends. So I said I'll convey his regards to them the following day in school.

Guess what? He passed away in his sleep the night before, after that phone call. I dont know how, or what went wrong, he just passed, in his sleep. The news was whispered into my ear during assembly, my form teacher couldnt bear to break the news to the whole school.

Because, oh my, Solehin, was a dear student and fellow team player to us all. He was an outstanding student who unluckily happened to be my bestfriend, whom I excessively bullied to do my homework and help me queue up for my food. He did it willingly any ways, because he said, "Kawan punya pasal lah eh, kalau tak, boleh jalan lah dengan kau."

I sat in my spot, at a lost of words. What came out of me were just tears, I couldnt react much. I mean, can you? Your best buddy who helped wash your face when all the other boys kicked sand into your face during shot put training, your confidante who broke an eraser into two right before sitting down for your Math Preliminary exams, IS GONE. Its the small little things that broke me, knowing that the stronger half of me has left us all.

We were just two months away from our O's, and there I was, clearing his locker, crying as though I've lost my son in a war. I wasnt sad. I was devastated. You see, he was there throughout the four years I served in high school. While everybody else were passing by in my life, he stayed. Through the hardships, he has eased my troubles so much, even words cant articulate.

We were not in love.

But I know, for sure, I will never master the art of Patience like how Sol has showed me everytime I simplified an algebraic equation wrongly, and he had to go over it, again and again.

I am certain, for sure, I will never learn the meaning of Strength like how Sol always used to make me sprint up every 100m and leave me a TimeOut chocolate bar at every 100m mark if I hit a new max.

I can guarantee, for sure, I will never grasp the idea of Life if his father didnt make that silly mistake of texting his mother back in Singapore, that led to the accident in KL.

I am never going to blame Mr. Malik for his son's death. He was like a father to me too. But I will never compromise safety over anything, because when its at risk, you lose. That is my job's first rule in camp, "SAFETY FIRST."

I lost my bestfriend unexpectedly, due to a stupid mistake. Which explains why I nag specifically to my loved ones who drive and ride, to never multitask behind the wheel. There's no other reason to it; I just care.

Open Letter, The First.

As I'm writing this, Tori Kelly's 'You Caught Me' is playing on repeat. So maybe, you might wanna turn this song on as you proceed to read through, just so you get a grip of my letter better. Lol, dont doubt me, just do it. 😏

This year has been pretty tough. Its not over yet, but the first eight months has cradled me to hit rockbottom. My physique wasnt at its tip top condition for close to four months, I never spoke well of myself even once, I stopped seeing old peers, I hated people unnecessarily, I broke into tears almost every day, I lost track of my life for a good long while.

Then God decided to send a beautiful package, filled with wonderful beings to help ease my load. They carressed my flaws and worked with my fears. I was never made fun of for my weaknesses, in fact I always got helping hands for falling down seven, and warm hugs for getting up eight. Of course, throughout my stay in the Gardens, people come and go, they call themselves 'Friends'. But only a few stayed, not certainly physically, but in soul-form. They live within you, they whisper in your ears to perservere though you've been treated badly at work, most of the times when guests cause a hassle. They feed you when you dont have enough to keep you full, they shelter you when the weather decides to call you Unlucky, they hold you tighter when you feel least loved.

Ikah 🌹
Thank you for the days you've helped me survive. For standing by my side when I'm helpless, for being my voice when the rest decided to shut me up, for never losing sight of my back you promised to watch at all costs. You taught me to get back on my feet, so I could get back on my grind. You are not thanked enough, so I extend my utmost appreciation to the one who means the universe to me. For all the love you have given me, the advices that came in all sorts of form - be it through texts or by the way you roll your eyes, every bit of it all has been taken into account and all these progress, I owe it all to you. I love you and nothing, not an atom of anything else, can change that, now and forever.

Baba 🌷
You saw what I was when I first joined the team. How hard-headed and untamed I was, you still stood by me, helped soften all my sharp edges and smoothen them curves. You nag a lot, yes, but without fail, it works. The amount of pain I projected since we met up to this date, you saw them all. And you never turned your back against me. Thanks a million, for all that you gave and I lovingly accept them, not knowing what to present back to you, that marks up to the same value of love and patience you have gifted me with. I love you, despite the many times I acted like I dont.

Huda 🌻
You, my lady, have seen me shake and break, countless times. When R stood me up for ice cream, you got me some. When I needed somebody to accompany me to Raffles Place cause I know A was gonna blow his top off, you willingly did. When I was feeling very much hopeless with my relationship, you sat there and listened to the same old shits over and over again. Everybody did - but you just had to be the one who saw and heard, EVERY GOD DAMN FREAKING THING, from 0 to the Hero you made me today. I became a lot more vocal with my opinions because you taught me so, I learnt to smile more, cut down on the angst because you have instilled so much happiness in me. Thank you, and I love you more than I thought I could ever feel.

Zunnur 🌼
You. Yessssss. What do I have to say about you? You always know the right things to say to pick me up, you come to me for comfort, and that itself, screams love straight into my heart. Thank you for reminding me of my worth, for wanting to know what troubles me most, for being the better half. I see you're liking your new companion there haha, I bet he can make you feel like puking rainbows and you guys will get along pretty well. Matchmaking 101, settled! Continue being the ever-so-beautiful person you are, I'll need you for life. I love you more than I could ever promise, dont you ever let that slip off your mind.

Then, not long ago, I spoke to my hot summer love. Ikah and I named him Hamena, but now he's Bubba. *pukes a whole bathtub full, 😂* If you have no clue who Bubba is then perhaps its not you, so move along. HAHAHA! From Gold Coast and back to homeland, he keeps my heart light, all I do is laugh. I learnt quite a little something about Floorball, the sport he's been adopting since forever. I adore the passion he portrays everytime he's in the court, because I know how much the selections for the final squad to be sent for SEA Games means to him. I dont play the sport, I dont even know how the pressure rises when you're being preyed down by your opponents in the court, but I sure know that he, along with the rest of these talents, are the pride and glory of the country. I've been to his club match and I know this one's gonna make mummy proud LOL! Keep up with the good work you've shown throughout these years, I'll gladly come to watch you play the game you love from the spectators' stand, and you can impress me over and over again.